لخّصلي

The previous day was the hardest day of my life. I used to think there is(gr.) nothing worse than coming back home from the war as the only survivor from my company, finding out Larry is(gr.) missing and dealing with the whole case against Dad. But I was wrong. I was so determined to marry Annie and prove Mom once and for all that Larry wasn't coming back that I was blind. I was self-centered. I ignored all the signs but deep of(מיותר) in my heart I knew Dad was guilty. And now I have no father at all. If I wasn't such a coward I would have taken him to turn himself in before he saw Larry's letter. I was so mad at him for lying to me and hiding that awful secret I even showed him that letter myself. I wanted him so badly to take responsibility over his actions and admit what he did was immoral and wrong. But I couldn't bring myself to turn him in. He is my father after all. I guess my love for him was what killed him.

Mom says I couldn't guess what he'd do after reading that letter, That I should put the past behind me (and) That she doesn't hold me responsible. But I know I am. If it weren't(gr.- hadn't been) for me, he would have never seen that letter, he would have never known his own actions killed his own son. For a split second I thought maybe that realization could bring him to admit his crime. He even said he's(gr.- was) willing to go to the station. But instead he killed himself and took my father forever. Now I'm broken. I can't even look at Mom. She is the one who lost everything. I can begin a new life, far away from here, but she can't. And in a way, I can't either. I mean, how can I leave her alone now? I'm the only person she has in the world. Can I really turn my back on my mother, even if that's what's good for me? No, I can't. Dad would have wanted me to stick around for her. After all, the family was everything for him. But is it possible to destroy other families for the sake of your own?

I'm so confused. How could Dad leave us to pick up the pieces all alone? It sure was easy for him and for Larry to kill themselves instead of dealing with their problems. But who am I to claim I am better than them? I certainly wasn't when it came to facing Dad's guilt.
Annie constantly tries to reassure me. I told her I'm a mess right now. I honestly don't know if I can be with her, knowing my father tore her family to pieces. And how can she? Does she really believe in me so much she can forget everything that happened between our families? Everything is a blur. Of people, of words, of colors. People come and talk to me all day long. Worrying about me. Asking if I need anything. I feel like I want to scream at them that I need my father back. Mistaken, cruel, guilty - but still my father.

I need to go for a walk now. Try and think clear about the future. I hope I'll start a new period in my life from now on.
Until then, yours,
Chris